In March 2013 I found out that we were expecting a baby. I remember that day so vividly. When I found out I was in shock, but elated at the same time. We had thrown around the idea of starting a family, but didn't really think it would happen as quickly as it did. Josh had been outside all day working in the yard with my father in law. I love my father in law, but I was so anxious for him to leave so that I could have a moment alone with Josh to tell him our news!
All day long I thought about how I was going to tell him that he was going to be a daddy. I wondered what his reaction would be. Finally that evening I told him that I had a surprise for him. I gave him a tiny gift bag, and nonchalantly pulled out my phone and videoed his reaction. I had put my positive pregnancy test in the gift bag... Because you know every man wants to hold a stick his wife peed on. I will never forget the look of sheer joy and shock that came across his face. We were both beyond excited! For probably an hour and a half we sat on our bed and imagined what our little baby would be like. According to my calculations he/she was to be born the first week of December. We talked about how being parents would change our lives forever. We talked about what Christmas would be like with our families and our new baby.
The next week Josh went with me to the OB and the doctor was able to confirm what we already knew. The doctor gave us the due date of December 8th. We even got to have an ultrasound and see the miracle of the baby's heart beating. She told us that everything looked perfectly healthy, and that she wanted to see us back in about four weeks. The ultrasound tech printed out pictures for us, and we left the doctor's office floating on Cloud 9. We were so in love with each other and so in love with our little baby that was growing inside of me.
A couple weeks went by and we decided to tell our immediate family our news. They were all so excited and happy for us! We decided to wait until the end of my first trimester to announce to the rest of our friends that we were expecting.
In the weeks that followed I was wrapping up my first year of teaching 4th grade. I had already technically graduated college, but in May I had plans to walk across the platform to receive my diploma that had worked so hard for. My parents and sisters even planned to make the trip down to Jacksonville for my graduation.
I made my follow up doctor appointment on May 6th, the Monday following my graduation so that my mom would be in town. Because my family all lives out of state I knew it would probably be the only appointment that she would be able to go to with me. Josh had planned to leave work just a few minutes early so that he could be there to see the ultrasound with us. My mom and I had been so giddy all weekend, and were so excited to be able to see our little baby. Josh was running a few minutes late, so we had to go on back without him. As soon as the technician began my ultrasound her demeanor shifted so slightly that I didn't notice it at first. She said, "Alison, have you been feeling okay the past couple days?" I was taken back by her question... Of course I had felt fine! I said, "Yes, I have felt perfectly fine... Is there something wrong?" She said, "Yes, honey, I'm afraid there is... Your baby no longer has a heartbeat." I felt the sobs collect in the back of my throat and in my chest. What was I suppose to do with this information I had just been given?! A few seconds later a nurse opened the door and there walked in my sweet husband grinning from ear to ear, that is until he saw my face. He instantly knew something was wrong. The ultrasound tech explained to him what she had seen from our ultrasound. My mom and I both cried while we waited to see the doctor who would explain our options going forward.
The doctor gave me a day to consider my options. Ultimately we decided that the best process going forward was for me to have a D&C operation. I don't even remember the ride home from the doctor's office, but all I know is there weren't many minutes that went by night and day that I wasn't crying. Before I had my surgery all I could think about was that MY BABY was still inside of me, but that he/she was no longer alive. I cannot even put into words how heart broken I was.
In the days and weeks that followed my heart and arms longed for the baby that we had lost. My doctor advised us to wait a couple of months before trying again. My heart and body both needed time to heal. This was the hardest part of the journey. During this time, for the first time in my life I battled with depression. My doctor said it was the same type of depression as postpartum.
I had never been in a darker place in my whole life, but while I was heartbroken and had lost hope I had never felt God's presence to be anymore real than it was during the lowest point of my life. Sometimes I would try to pray, but no words were spoken. I fully believe that God was able to listen to my heart, when I wasn't able to form the words. Even though my heart was broken I chose to believe in God's goodness. I knew that he had a reason for all of this even though I didn't know what it was. I told God exactly how I felt, sometimes without spoken words, but He already knew how I felt. I told Him I was heartbroken, and He knew. I told Him that I still loved him, and trusted him. There were a few songs that I listened to over and over again. Through reading my Bible and listening to these songs I felt a glimmer of hope begin to arise in my heart. The words of my favorite songs would spring up out of my heart, and I would sing as though it was the only way I could keep breathing. I could feel my spirit being renewed. I decided to use praise as my weapon against grief. I began to no longer feel depressed. I had found my hope again. I had found it through praising God and believing and trusting in his goodness. I began to feel renewed.
I had lost much with the loss of our baby, but I couldn't lose my relationship with God too. I don't know how people get through the trials of this life without Him. I never for one minute believed that God had done this TO me. I couldn't turn my back on Him, because more than ever before I NEEDED him.
I believe that God was with me in the doctors office. He was with me when I had my surgery. He was with me all of those nights as I cried myself to sleep. He loved me, yet he still allowed me to experience the worst heartache of my life. He is my Comforter and Friend. In time He gently put the pieces of my heart back together and showed me how to praise Him in the midst of life's tragedies.
You know what else? He was with me four months later when I found out that I was expecting again. I believe that He shared in our joy. He calmed my fears when I prayed and begged Him to allow me to be able to have this precious baby.
I have trusted God through grief, and I've also trusted him in times of gladness. One thing I have learned is that God's goodness and worthiness of praise is not defined by anything going on in our lives. He is good, his mercies are new every morning, and his goodness endures forever.
A line from one of my favorite songs is, "I know I'm filled to be emptied again. The seed I've received I will sow." Right now I feel as if I have been filled with hope and this is a good (possibly one of the best) seasons of our lives. I have to share God's goodness with you, because I know that I will be emptied again. It is inevitable. Life is made up of good and hard seasons. I have learned that God will be with me no matter what season of life I will go through.
I believe with all of my heart that our little baby is in Heaven right now. I believe in the promise that we will get to meet her one day. I always have felt in my heart that it was a girl. In every dream I've had about our baby she was a girl. Although we never got to hold our baby or really even give her a name we loved her so much. As much as I wish we could have known her I know that she is in a far better place. I imagine my grandmother rocking her and telling her stories about what her mommy was like when she was a little girl. In many ways I am so thankful that she didn't have to know this evil world. There are times when I still grieve the loss of her, but even if I could I wouldn't go back and change a single thing. God has been given honor through our loss. Our marriage has become stronger. I have been able to comfort friends who have lost a baby. I have been even able to relate in some ways with friends struggling with infertility. Also importantly, if we had not lost our sweet baby we wouldn't have Juliette. I know that God is still working through our story.
A few weeks ago I went to my doctor's appointment to check on our baby. The doctor told me that I had reached a new viability point in my pregnancy (which means if I had a premature delivery that our baby's viability statistics had risen). The doctor then proceeded to tell me that our baby would be considered full term and perfectly healthy for a perfect delivery on May 8th. When he said the date "May 8th" it took me a few seconds to process the information and then I almost hit the floor. May 8th last year was no doubt one of the worst days of my entire life, but this year on May 8th I have a perfectly healthy baby girl that I will get to meet any day now. I don't think God lets things happen by coincidence. I think that was just a way of Him wrapping His arms around me and letting me know that He loves me. As I write this I am sitting in my daughter's nursery in her rocking chair. I am amazed at this journey that God has brought us through. He sure does have perfect timing.
Feel free to share my story with anyone whom you may feel it could encourage.
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